I've probably had to field the question, "When are you two going to get married?" like eighteen thousand times. This is no hyperbole. Family alone accounts for sixteen thousand and seventy six of these inquiries. Honestly, their questions may not always be as straightforward as the above version, but may come out as, "Now that you live together, what's the next step?" or "You went to Mexico and didn't come back married?" No. When we got back from Mexico we were still drunk, but not married. I think that's pretty responsible drinking on our part. Though, Boyfriend did buy me a ring while we were there. There was one that I liked in this silver store, I bartered with the salesman, put the ring on my finger and before walking out said, Boyfriend, pay the man.
We're in no rush. I don't think either of us really care to hurry into matrimony. Especially Boyfriend. I might have said something to screw myself out of a proposal. MIGHT HAVE. As I'm sure you know, women get these ideas into their minds to "test" their boyfriends as it were. We freak them out to see what happens. One of mine was quite typical of all members of my species: bring up the subject of nuptials and watch Boyfriend get super uncomfortable trying to handle the topic with grace... nope, not grace... Boyfriend isn't graceful... he was trying to deal with the conversation without throwing up I think. Maybe I shouldn't have followed him into the men's washroom at that restaurant to have this conversation. I'm kidding, but if it makes for better storytelling, we'll say that it actually happened.
What's the deal? You want to get married one day?
Maybe one day.
Yeah, me too. Whenever that happens I don't want to do that whole big wedding thing though. Not into that at all.
What would you want to do?
Run away and get married on a beach. You?
Run away and get married on a beach.
This is where boyfriend softens, probably thinking, yes, I picked the right girl. I feel like I'm being too easy on the guy. Time to bring out the big guns:
I think it's stupid to throw all that money away on a wedding when you can use it for something much better.
Absolutely.
I want a huge mother of an engagement ring. A BAM RING!
A Bam Ring? What does that mean?
I want it to be so enormous I need the strength of my right hand to lift my left. When I show it to people I want to heft my hand onto a table and have the ring be so heavy that my hand lands with a thud on the tabletop. BAM! When I punch people in the face I want it to leave a huge indent so they can brag to their friends about the gargantuan ring they were hit with. BAM! That's what I want.
That's all you want? Okay.
I know he's being sarcastic, but I also know Boyfriend is the king of finding loopholes. He just hears the words, big ring.
I also want it to be a flawless diamond... and I will be getting it appraised.
Yeah, you'll get your bam ring.
I think the part that he omits is that it will have to be from somebody else because what I want he will never buy. Too impractical. He could probably buy a new boat for the price of the ring I want to boast on my finger. To be fair though, if he did get me this ring, It'd ruin me. I'd probably wreck my back schlepping it around. When I mention this, I'm quite sure he smiled and put a mental check mark in the pro column for the Bam ring.
Three years and no ring, go figure. Boyfriend, you realize if you get me this ring I will call you an idiot. And then hit you with it. BAM! Between statements like this, and the threat of getting the engagement ring appraised, Boyfriend will never come to me on bended knee. Take a lesson ladies.
Time for tea,
K
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