Two brothers think we should do it

Not IT it. I hate that the elusive "it" has morphed from something vague into something that happens behind closed doors. I don't mean do it in "the van's a-rockin'" sense, I mean do it as in "I know pronounce you woman and husband". At least that's how they'll announce us if we ever take the leap. Man and wife? Get real, I'm not wife-ish.

Last summer I read in some horoscope book that I found in a store that I would have an unorthodox but happy marriage. Stop right there. Don't walk me down the aisle yet. Do you see a Bam ring on my finger? Well, no, and not just because you don't see me at all. Even though I'm not the most reliable teller of tales, I can assure you that we haven't come to the Bam ring portion of this love story (maybe it's more a story based on tolerance). I can tell you though, about a Bam dress that I wore to Muse's wedding. Love that dress. I was the best lady in that circus. Before Muse started walking toward us the priest guy...no, I don't think he was a priest. Muse and Hubby don't follow the book of Jesus or any other holy man or woman. I don't know what he was, but the old guy that was ordained by somebody to perform their wedding...was he a magician? I don't know, but he leans over and whispers, "I understand you're wearing a Bam dress." I say, yeah, look at him sideways because unlike with everyone else at the wedding, I'm not about to yell, BAM! and strut my stuff for a magician-priest. More about Muse's wedding circus in another post. Another day. Where were we? Bam dress, check. Bam ring, absent. That's really all you need to take from this paragraph.

I believe I have mentioned in the past about Boyfriend's friendliness and his ability to attract some interesting characters. Or have I? I think I have, if not, I have now. Boyfriend is a weirdo magnet. About a year ago we ventured to a small pub. Sports bar obviously. I don't know that we've ever gone anywhere that doesn't have some sort of athletic paraphernalia somewhere. Yippee for me. I love me some sports action. If you aren't picking up the sarcasm of that last sentence, get out. Leave the blog space, I have no patience for you. I DO know, however, that Saturday is Hockey Night in Canada. Not Friday. I know some things. What on earth was I talking about? Recap: Bam ring a-no-no, Boyfriend + Weirdos = friendship, we go to a sports bar. Right. We sit down and order some bevvies, and chat with the owner/bartender. Lovely homunculus he was. And he pours them strong. He wasn't the weirdo in the story, he was just a tiny pygmy of a man. Perhaps the reason he was so nice and friendly was because he escaped from a Disney movie. Just speculating.

Moving on. A little while later, these two old men with white hair and super leather tans come in and sit at the bar with us. Americans, and also, friendly. Brothers, you can tell because they look almost like twins. Similar moustaches, same height, clearly not starving. I would've bet there was some kind of relation going on there. For some reason we felt it necessary to take some photos with our new Weirdos. Nice Weirdos, don't take weirdos to always have bad connotations. There's one with the four of us, Boyfriend, Weirdo #1, Me, Weirdo #2, and it almost looks like mine and Boyfriend's shadows have come to life. Or stripes on a zebra. Or keys on a piano. And another photo with me doing a shot of tequila with both of those Weirdos, and here's how that happened:

Weirdo #1 and #2 sit down with us, but it's like they've already decided to become our friends even before speaking to us. #2 takes a seat beside Boyfriend and #1 sits very close to me. Weirdo #1 has millions of questions. Where are you from? What do you do? Are you two married? You're not married? (At this point the other two listen in and I swear I see Weirdo #2 slap Boyfriend a high five for not getting tied down) How long have you been together? Where did you meet? Are you not married because of all the work it takes to plan a wedding? Well, Weirdo #1, I'm going to level with you. It's more of a Bam ring issue. I needs me a solid rock before we do the "I do" thing. This is where Weirdo #1 takes a solid interest in my case and gets pushy with Boyfriend about getting me a ring and getting wed. Weirdo #2, however, takes Boyfriend's side. Boyfriend doesn't need to defend himself, as #2 has got his back just as much as #1's got mine.

"He'll do it when he's ready."
"She's not going to wait around forever."
"You don't have to push him."
"She's not getting any younger."
"They're happy with how things are now, why change a good thing?"
"Has he told you they've been together for two years?"

Boyfriend and I sit back and just watch the back and forth like it's a tennis match. We sip our drinks and just let them do their thing. Eventually, Boyfriend excuses himself to find the bathroom and both the Weirdos look at me. What? I'm not reffing this thing, I'm just watching. But out of curiosity, #2, why are you on his side? You're obviously new, but just to let you know, even though I'm not pressuring him for this, I need to win every argument. I bet he doesn't even know your name. You should be on my side. "You probably don't know my name either". Of course I do, it's Weirdo #2. At the time I did remember his name, but as storytelling goes, you start attributing nicknames and then their real name is lost in they abyss. The point is I was right about his name. He's surprised. I bet you $50 that Boyfriend doesn't remember your name. "How about at drink?" Deal. I've mentioned how Boyfriend is a horse I can bet on and win every time, haven't I? This is how I got a free drink and shot of tequila. And we all lived happily ever after. Oh wait, you're supposed to say that at the end. It's not over yet.

A while later and a few bevvies in, Weirdo #2 finally admits something. "It's been a long time since we've been to a wedding." For the record, we were so far beyond that conversation at that time it took more than a moment to realize what he was talking about. As I recall, Weirdo #1 brightened like he'd just witnessed Boyfriend's proposal. "You should get married in April. April weddings are the best." Uhh, excuse me Weirdos, but you realize that this is up to us and not you? Just because Weirdo #2 has decided that a wedding is in the cards doesn't mean that we have. Back off. Marry off the pygmy bartender...who for some reason has covered his ears with a plastic cover that reads, Bullshit guard. When did he put that on? Things have gotten strange. Both Weirdos have started ganging up on us. "So, will you do it? Get married in April?" Uhh... "We'll be invited right?" Uhh... "This April though, next year is too far away." We did what any sensible couple would do. Finished our drinks, threw a handful of money at the little pygmy and RAN THE HELL AWAY FROM THAT FREAK SHOW!

Time for tea,

K

Why we will never get married

I've probably had to field the question, "When are you two going to get married?" like eighteen thousand times. This is no hyperbole. Family alone accounts for sixteen thousand and seventy six of these inquiries. Honestly, their questions may not always be as straightforward as the above version, but may come out as, "Now that you live together, what's the next step?" or "You went to Mexico and didn't come back married?" No. When we got back from Mexico we were still drunk, but not married. I think that's pretty responsible drinking on our part. Though, Boyfriend did buy me a ring while we were there. There was one that I liked in this silver store, I bartered with the salesman, put the ring on my finger and before walking out said, Boyfriend, pay the man.

We're in no rush. I don't think either of us really care to hurry into matrimony. Especially Boyfriend. I might have said something to screw myself out of a proposal. MIGHT HAVE. As I'm sure you know, women get these ideas into their minds to "test" their boyfriends as it were. We freak them out to see what happens. One of mine was quite typical of all members of my species: bring up the subject of nuptials and watch Boyfriend get super uncomfortable trying to handle the topic with grace... nope, not grace... Boyfriend isn't graceful... he was trying to deal with the conversation without throwing up I think. Maybe I shouldn't have followed him into the men's washroom at that restaurant to have this conversation. I'm kidding, but if it makes for better storytelling, we'll say that it actually happened.

What's the deal? You want to get married one day?
Maybe one day.
Yeah, me too. Whenever that happens I don't want to do that whole big wedding thing though. Not into that at all.
What would you want to do?
Run away and get married on a beach. You?
Run away and get married on a beach.

This is where boyfriend softens, probably thinking, yes, I picked the right girl. I feel like I'm being too easy on the guy. Time to bring out the big guns:

I think it's stupid to throw all that money away on a wedding when you can use it for something much better.
Absolutely.
I want a huge mother of an engagement ring. A BAM RING!
A Bam Ring? What does that mean?
I want it to be so enormous I need the strength of my right hand to lift my left. When I show it to people I want to heft my hand onto a table and have the ring be so heavy that my hand lands with a thud on the tabletop. BAM! When I punch people in the face I want it to leave a huge indent so they can brag to their friends about the gargantuan ring they were hit with. BAM! That's what I want.
That's all you want? Okay.

I know he's being sarcastic, but I also know Boyfriend is the king of finding loopholes. He just hears the words, big ring.

I also want it to be a flawless diamond... and I will be getting it appraised.
Yeah, you'll get your bam ring.

I think the part that he omits is that it will have to be from somebody else because what I want he will never buy. Too impractical. He could probably buy a new boat for the price of the ring I want to boast on my finger. To be fair though, if he did get me this ring, It'd ruin me. I'd probably wreck my back schlepping it around. When I mention this, I'm quite sure he smiled and put a mental check mark in the pro column for the Bam ring.

Three years and no ring, go figure. Boyfriend, you realize if you get me this ring I will call you an idiot. And then hit you with it. BAM! Between statements like this, and the threat of getting the engagement ring appraised, Boyfriend will never come to me on bended knee. Take a lesson ladies.

Time for tea,

K