Boyfriends: a love story

Hello strangers. My attempts to get away from you have failed miserably, but we all have to agree I had a pretty good run at neglecting to blog. The holidays, they have a tendency to getcha, don't they? Good for nothing time-suckers...I love Christmas. That's not sarcasm, I'm a Christmas nerd. For those of you that contributed to my bounty of tea, tea pots, and tea cups, I thank you. You done good. Some people have creative juices, but my inspirational beverage must be hot and botanical. Heat this up! I'm going to skip over a majority of the Christmas crap that happened around here, you didn't miss much. Important bit of info: Santa brought Boyfriend and I an epileptic for Christmas, so that's awesome. We'll get to that though. Gotta lay the groundwork for this love story, Cinderella didn't begin with the loss of her glass slipper. Slippers, good idea, please hold for one moment. My foot digits seek warmth and comfort.

Let's see...once upon a time in a land of semi-desert, Boyfriend came to see his fair lady, a princess so fair and breathtaking you would hardly believe it. This visit was years ago, in the infancy of their romance, when she and he lived in separate Kingdoms. Boyfriend rode in his chariot for hours holding out in great hope for even a second of the strikingly gorgeous maiden's time. Except that she was expecting him, so really he was scheduled in for a few days of her time and didn't need to hope for it. But times change, and now he finds difficulty leaving the television when the hockey game is on to travel the distance outside to help the princess unload groceries from the car. I know Boyfriend, I was aware of what I was getting into. And I still love you for it...did anybody slip the princess some kind of potion? Yes? Because she be talking crazy. Ew, Mutt, you got your hair into my tea. Mutt, exactly. That's where I was going with this. It isn't a love story about Boyfriend and his poetically beautiful princess, but a love story of him and Mutt. Alrighty. Boyfriend travels the hundreds of kilometres to seek the love of his future princess, knowing that while her love overflows like her champagne glass on New Years, it is the approval of the miser that lives in the castle that he needs to obtain.

Uh, have I talked much about Mutt? Cliff notes if I have neglected to mention him, or a little aside for those of you that don't care to pay attention (by the by, I don't care for those of you that lack interest, go away): Mutt is so ugly he's cute. He's a mix, half chihuahua/half ugly hybrid. And he's a big bastard for a little guy. Don't get into his bubble unless you want your face ripped off. That's pretty much it. I love my grumpy Mutt.

Boyfriend at this point has heard rumour of the miser that lives in the castle, but their meeting had yet to occur. Until this day. Whatever day that was, I didn't mark it on a calendar. It was summer, three years ago...maybe August? July? Really, who cares? Those of you who care, please stop reading the blog and focus on getting a life. For reals. Please strike for reals from the record. Boyfriend crossed the moat and entered the castle where the stunning and vivacious princess greeted him. Wait. This was the first time Boyfriend came over ever. Did he get lost? No...his directions are only bad if I'm the source of them. Oh yeah, in that case, he would have gotten lost. When expected to show up at 7:00 pm, the valiant prince crossed the castle threshold at 2:54 pm the next afternoon. Which is why the flawless maiden greeted him so keenly. She had spent tireless hours wondering if his delayed arrival was due to a run-in with a dragon...that's a kind of gang, right? Oh please. We all know that I'm lying to you.

Prince Boyfriend and the fabulous princess embraced. I wrote you every day. As I you, Prince Boyfriend. Did you get my texts? I know sometimes through the mountains you lose cell service. You didn't get my replies to yon text messages? I texted you back twice. This is a conversation we still have at least once a week. Get a new phone Boyfriend! At this point his ears perk up when he hears commotion from the miser, and Prince Boyfriend looks alarmed. His hand goes to his hip where he keeps his chef knife/sword. Do you hear that? In the distance. Is there a threat to the Kingdom? Dear princess, you are too lovely to chance an encounter with a beast that creates such dreadful noise. It sounds much like the howls and echos that haunt the underbelly of hell. To my noble steed! The mazda I hath borrowed from a friend. Go devastating beauty, I will slay this wretched beast. Dude, that's my dog. C'mon I think he burrowed under the bed. Boyfriend and I go into my bedroom, kneel next to each other on the floor, and lift the blankets to gaze at the miser hiding in the shadows. That's mutt. Boyfriend's eyes dart back to the door, wondering if it's too late to make a run for that mazda. He's harmless, one second, I'll get him. I wiggle closer to him, eventually grabbing Mutt's collar with my fingers and I pry him unwillingly from under the bed and into the daylight that fills the room. I swear, the surprise on Boyfriend's face when he saw the size of my little rat dog was more hilarious than I could describe in words. Mutt at this time is barking and growling and bearing his teeth, that's my little angel for you. You have to earn his love. Boyfriend lifts his hand, thinks about giving him a pat, then thinks better of it immediately. Calm down. He won't want to attack you if you hold him. Though these words come out of my mouth as I essentially throw Mutt into Boyfriend's arms, I'm not sure if they're true. The good news is: Mutt was too surprised to do anything, so instead became frozen in Boyfriends arms with a look at me that said, "Woman, you have gone too far." They parted on mediocre terms after visit number one.

Visit number two with Mutt: Boyfriend swung by my work to grab my house keys. When I was walking home I saw in the distance somebody walking a rather poorly controlled white dog. It was Mutt and Boyfriend, with Mutt either leading the way or trying to outrun Boyfriend. It was too hard to tell.

Between visit number three and moving to the city near Boyfriend they fell in love. It happened so naturally I can't even claim to have witnessed the evolution. I should have kept a scrapbook. Now that Mutt and I have let Boyfriend move in, they've got their own thing going on. It's a dude love fest and I'm the third wheel. I think they prefer when I'm not around. I think Mutt loves him more than me...but I guess Boyfriend is the literal gravy train for that rat dog. Mutt eats better than most people because of Boyfriend. His love language is feeding you right. It must be, because he feeds me pretty good too.

The moment I knew it was true love between Prince Boyfriend and the miser was just a couple weeks ago, right before Christmas. Mutt's been having seizures, he did great shaking the martinis at our Christmas party. Just kidding, we didn't have a Christmas party. Mutt is kind of an alcoholic, but we don't judge each other in our house for our hobbies. Anyway, Mutt's seizures made us schedule a vet appointment with a new pet doc. I had to work, so Boyfriend brought mutt over town in his big redneck truck to go see what was up. They did blood work, updated shots, full physical, and then they asked Boyfriend to collect a urine sample. Poor, poor, Boyfriend. Mutt didn't have to go. Boyfriend called me after the appointment to say what happened, and that he just needed the little miser to lift a leg so he could collect the sample and then the boys could head on home. Mutt peed while Boyfriend and I were on the phone, so he missed catching it in his little container. As the story goes, a couple hours later, Mutt finally did it again and Boyfriend was overzealous and in his great effort to catch the stream, he took a little bit of the golden water to the back of his hand. I'm sorry, but you only do that for people you love. I told you, it's a love story.

Time for tea,

K

Post Script: For those of you that are interested, Mutt is in perfectly good health in spite of being epileptic. Boyfriend and I have to give him medicine every morning, and with our best efforts we've been getting Mutt to choke down his syringe of pink goodness. Yes, two on one isn't fair, but misers are difficult beings to deal with. And the prince, princess and miser lived happily ever after. Until the princess She Hulked and the prince moved to another continent.