The other woman

I feel that I'm doing a service for our relationship by threatening Boyfriend's life on a constant basis. If I keep him fearful enough, he'll never dare cheat on me. There are too many a-holes out there that think cheating is awesome, when really it's dirty and disgusting. Are you a two-timing dog? Stop reading my blog, you're nasty. Boyfriend knows how I feel about scumbags that cheat. It's still polite to remind him what will happen on the off-chance he strays: I will chain him down and set him on fire while he sleeps. Cheat and die a flaming death, it's a simple enough rule. Around here we call it house rule number three. Number one: I'm not to be unsupervised in the kitchen, rule number two: keep the liquor cabinet stocked, and rule number four: fair fights are for losers. These four rules make ours a happy home. On a side note, I have a job in the kitchen now: Boyfriend lets me peel potatoes. Done it twice so far and haven't screwed it up yet.

There is one exception to the third rule (aka cheat and die a flaming death). That is his other woman, I know about her so it's cool. Boyfriend and I have an agreement about her. She doesn't come to the house and I go on being fine with how much time he spends either in her or on her. I mean, it gives me a break, doesn't it? He shouldn't be my responsibility all the time. I got myself a time-share, the pamphlets were very helpful in making the decision that a part-time Boyfriend was both affordable and enjoyable. I'm all for polygamy. We're a happy trio: Me, Boyfriend and his boat. She and I get on all right, but I can take her or leave her. How put off were you when I wrote about him being in her or on her? If you said, "very put off" your mind is too nasty to read my blog, I'm a lady you ass face. Of course he can go in her and on her, she's a big gal, got a galley and everything. I'm not allowed in the galley unsupervised either.

That's weird, I thought I was wearing sunglasses on top of my head. I was at some point. I know because it was bright outside and I thought of how smart I was to have worn my sunglasses on my head (it's Vancouver out there, we never see the sun). And then I wore them in the sunshine, and then it got dark at like 3 p.m. (if any farmers are reading, Boyfriend says it's your fault for us having to deal with time change twice a year, so maybe you should send him a fruit basket or a pet goat as compensation, he gets rather ruffled about daylight savings time) so I took them off because only fools wear their sunglasses at night. I bet I put them somewhere smart. Just strange I had the sensation of them still being perched in my hair. Maybe it was a ghost bird that was up there, I don't feel it anymore. Yeah, definitely a ghost bird.

The other woman, yes. She's a Mariner...I think that's right, I'm most positive it is. I'm sure Boyfriend will correct me if I'm wrong, I would wager a shiny nickel on it. Seriously, he's a horse I could bet on and win every time...like when he lights the barbeque he'll always say something along the lines of, I like that I can start it with the push of a button. He does. The boat though, I think is the true love of his life. Well, a labour of love anyhow. He's spent bazillions of hours fixing that old gal up and making her pretty. Oh, and making her work too. He actually took her out last summer on some overnight dates. Good job Boyfriend. Their relationship isn't perfect either. It too, is a matador and bull relationship. I don't know how many times Boyfriend has been frustrated with her and thought seriously of drilling holes in her bottom (again, if you're reading this and thinking gross things, stop reading my blog) and letting the ocean have her. I'm pushing for a viking funeral if Boyfriend's frustration reaches its breaking point. Boyfriend just clarified that yes, he does like her better than me.

I need her in our lives though. She can be the woman that he wants to change. Who spends all her time waiting for him to come home to her. Who feeds Boyfriend's love of all things aquatic and puts up with him interrupting her to look at the vessel across the water just to say, Nice boat. I am not the woman for any of these jobs. I'm more like the trophy wife. Not that I'm a wife, and maybe it's just a participant trophy, but still. I'm not into the other stuff I just listed, got it Boyfriend? And if I may just suggest to all the ladies out there, you should tell your fellas to get boats. You would be amazed the stuff you get away with when they're distracted by fixin' up their other woman.

Time for tea,

K