Vacation Friends

One thing I like about Boyfriend is that he's a people person through and through (Please note: this is one thing I like about boyfriend, I assure you there are others, but this is the only one relevant to this post). He's very giving of himself to people, especially family, and it's something that I certainly appreciate. He's a go-the-extra-mile kind of guy, and though there are times that I want to lynch him, this redeeming quality always leaves me allowing his life to continue, at least until he really crosses me.

I understand people have needs, one of Boyfriend's needs is a vacation friend, ideally one that can talk sports or boats (preferably both for my sake). This generally suits one of my needs too, that need to be alone. Not that I'm a wretched old lady or something, I just spend a lot of time inside of my head... that might not be a good thing, but even for you skeptics, there's a lot going on in there that keeps me busy. However, Boyfriend needs that good ol' chum he finds out on the beach or in a pub when I leave him alone for awhile when we go away. I imagine him as that oddball child that actually talks to strangers when we all know from childhood this is a terrible idea. Why is it a terrible idea? Please don't answer, it's a rhetorical question. Allow me to tell you why we are taught as children that we should never, under any circumstance, talk to strangers.

The vacation best friends are those people you forge a friendship with when you're away at a tropical hot spot. It sounds sweet in theory. One thing I have learned from my travels through the years: Vacation friends do not work out as everyday friends, they probably become facebook friends at best. Trust me. I'm not going to lie, part of the reason I go away is to flee from people (screaming See ya suckers as I adjust my rear view mirror). Between friends, Boyfriend, work and the other voices in my head, I like the quiet time one can only find on vacation. Don't get me wrong, I like to go for drinks and dinner with people we meet when we go away, but let the record show that I do not like to spend my whole vacation with people that I will forget about two weeks after returning home. Boyfriend picks vacation friends one of two ways: 1) Out of selfishness, and 2) Poorly. Both of these don't work out. Let me explain.

When he chooses vacation friends out of selfishness:
Our last vacation, Boyfriend went missing. I done lost him, it might have been on purpose, and I might have known to find him at the sports bar in our hotel, but for purposes of this story he was lost. I searched high and low around the hotel, shouted his name and listened as my call echoed down the beach. I attempted a call to 911 to report him missing, but as I don't speak spanish the call did me no good. Or was it the front desk I dialled? Maybe I didn't make that call. No wait. I did none of these things. I was probably sleeping off a margarita or five when Boyfriend made his getaway... No wait. This came after we met his friend at the bar. That makes sense that I needed a nap. Right-o. We're on the trolley again. We were at the sports bar together and Boyfriend starts talking sports to all those that are present in the bar and riddled with testosterone. That's what did me in. I had nothing relevant to say so I left, stumbled back to the room and made the executive decision to nap. We'll say it was an executive decision, I'm not really sure how it all happened. While I'm... napping and poorly hydrated, Boyfriend bonds with one of the sports enthusiasts, his soon-to-be vacation boyfriend. I don't remember his name, nice enough fella, he had a moustache I think. He definitely had glasses... I'm pretty sure. Nonetheless, he and Boyfriend bonded. It just so happens that Boyfriend's boyfriend has a wifey with him as well...kind of a devil of a woman. She was somewhat alright, definitely overbearing, I guess if she were a plant she would be one of those ones with teeth that eat flies... what are those called? Yes, Dionaea muscipula. (Did you even think for a second I was going to go there? I looked it up to sound sciencey for you, this is aka the Venus fly trap. And fyi sciencey isn't a word, please don't use it in real life. And you're welcome for teaching you something new.) She was definitely a huntress too. If Boyfriend and his boyfriend were at the sports bar together, Venus Fly Trap could hunt me out like nothing. Giant flippin' hotel and nowhere to hide. Plus, the margaritas slow you down so you can't run as well as you'd like to, and yes, tripping and falling on your face is an option. She was very particular, very bossy, and had kind of a trucker mouth that she'd use to reference people she doesn't like back in Canada. I use "kind of" to sound less harsh, even though in truth, there was nothing "kind of" about her. I mean she was nice to me, probably because she didn't give me time to interrupt all of her talking. So many freaking words and they didn't stop barking out of her mouth. Here's a clue: when you get the glossy-eyed deadpan stare and your listener is gulping back tequila like she needs it to live you are not as interesting as you think you are. I feel like she and I are in different leagues (if I may take the liberty to guess, I would think this is a baseball metaphor, yes?). You can interpret that however you would like. Thanks to Boyfriend, we were bound to this couple for our whole vacation. I'm pretty sure by the end of our stay we were disliked by everyone else at the hotel because of our association with her. Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a big hand to Boyfriend for picking well for himself and leaving me with Venus Fly Trap. Stop clapping, the tone of that last sentence was sarcastic.

When he chooses friends poorly:
On our first getaway together, Boyfriend started his boyfriend search early. He befriended the dude that sat beside us on the plane...this relationship didn't last too long as airplane boyfriend was looking for boyfriends in the more literal sense and I was like, sorry friend, but this here fella is mine. I mantrapped him so step away, yes, I'm aware he's man-pretty. Please stop ogling him, it makes Boyfriend self-conscious. I would've hung out with this fella if he didn't want a piece of mine. A girl always needs a good man as a girlfriend. I could've helped him pick up other dudes. I'm a great wing-woman. My gay-dar's not so good, but I make up for it in wing-womaning. So unfortunately, airplane boyfriend was more of a peripheral friend at the resort. During our second day there, Boyfriend found a new friend. If there's one thing I can say about Boyfriend's vacation boyfriend search, he does look for couples. Not that I'm a fan of being set up on play dates with wives, I have a thorough screening process for friends at home, but once I'm won over, it's a friends for life situation...unless you cross me. This new vacation boyfriend has a lady too. She's alright, possibly a friend I might try out in real life, but her fella has some...unusual rhythms. I mean, friendly dude, he just says things that are...out there. I chalk it up to the beverage benefits of an all-inclusive. We have a good enough time. They're pretty understanding at giving us our own space, we chill out, rent a boat, every thing's pretty okay when we're together. We find out they live in the same area, and Boyfriend even gives his boyfriend his real phone number to call him when we all go back home. Marvellous. It just so happens that this guy calls Boyfriend, and Boyfriend invites him over to his boat to hang with him. Neat, yes? This vacation friends story ends much like it begins in the airplane. It turns out that Boyfriend's vacation boyfriend may be interested in more than just Boyfriend's boat. To this, I laugh. That is why if one makes vacation friends that is all they should be. If you like them on vacation, chances are in real life they aren't the same. I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule, they're just not the residents of our shoebox apartment.

To all those likable vacation friends in the future, thanks for the laughs. To all those selfishly chosen vacation friends that I will interact with, keep the drinks coming, it's the only way we'll both survive.

Time for tea,

K