The boyfriend grocery list

Let's be real, I'm no expert on grocery lists when one goes to purchase food. This posting is about the grocery list of items or qualities that your ideal mate has. You know, back before the ball and chain, when you feel like you have the luxury to sculpt your own personal statue of David, complete with attributes and impressive... salary. I was thinking about what I used to have on that list way back when, and where Boyfriend falls on that list of things I was sure I wanted in a dude. Ah youth. Was I ever that young? Well here is the list, the edited version because the original had way too many things on it:

1) Must be able to cook
We're all aware of my shortcomings in the kitchen. Boyfriend gets a big check mark with this one. I have my own personal chef, I'll never go hungry again. Unless I do end up killing him as I threaten to do every now and again when he acts out of turn. I'll have to think that one through before I take him out with a blunt object to the back of the head.

2)Has tattoos
Boyfriend gets a participant ribbon for this one. He does have a fear of needles, so even considering getting one counts for something. One time we were going to get him a tattoo, but he got sunburned really bad, like florescent lobster red. Can't exactly tattoo his epidermis when that's going on. Now that I think about it, there's nothing hindering him from getting a tattoo now...

3)Has piercings
If a fella can rock a nose ring, I'm all over it. I also like a dude with pierced ears. Needless to say, Boyfriend does not have them. He's of the generation where if a fella has his ears pierced, it means he likes seamen. My sincerest apologies, as I'm Canadian my people have a tendency to put ehs into sentences where they don't belong. You know what I mean. I think it means that a guy has a thing for pirates.

4)Wears a suit for his job, and on the weekend chills out man-style in sweats to watch the game.
Okay, half marks for Boyfriend on this one. I also didn't know what it meant to date a guy that loves sports. There is now a reason I avoid the apartment on football Sunday... and Monday night football... and the football on Thursday... and any night NHL is playing... or CFL... baseball... whenever that boat race around the world thing is playing.

5)Has curly dark hair
This is the chart topper. Since I was a wee lass I've been into the dark, curly hair. I don't know why, but I think it's the cutest... scratch that... most rugged, testosterone-laden, attractive physical quality in a man. Seriously, ask around, that's been the one constant on my list. No blonds, thanks.

6)He's tall
Okay, Boyfriend is taller than me. Not by a lot, but he is, so check.

7)He challenges me
Ladies, there is a difference between winning and victory. I don't like to just be handed a trophy, I like to earn it. I know I'm not always right, but the reward is so much richer if I'm victorious over something I'm being an asshole about. I do not care however, for those times where we enter the ring and I get K.O.'d. Not cool Boyfriend.

8)He reads
Ha. Boyfriend doesn't read.

9)He knows when to leave me alone and doesn't get emotional
This kind of overlaps with the sports thing. His sport time is my me time. No clingy, tell me about your feelings kind of stuff here. Extra points to Boyfriend for never being a wussy, crying makes me uncomfortable. If we have something to discuss we duke it out MMA style like any respectable couple would.

10)Likes the theatre
Boyfriend does. I know now that Boyfriend does not like the ballet. You learn quickly how he feels when you ask if he wants to go to the Nutcracker and he immediately protects his junk. Dance is a no-no, but theatre is a big yes-yes. Especially if it's that little theatre near our apartment: you get to bring your wine, beer, shooters or what have you that you purchase in the lobby into the theatre with you and it's stumbling distance home. Also, if any people from said theatre are reading, you might want to post clear signs that say you can bring your beverage inside with you. Our first visit there we were pounding back drinks during intermission because we didn't know. Ah Rent, good show.

11)He's funny
Half points because he bombed at the weekly open-mic night in our living room last week. Practice your material and come back next week Boyfriend. I only heckle to make you try harder next time. And lose the plaid blazer, it undermines your credibility as a comic. I've just given myself a terrible idea, WE SHOULD ACTUALLY START DOING THIS! Oh wait, we'd have to schedule around sports and work. I guess we don't need to sleep every night.

12)He buys me presents just because
Boyfriend definitely gets points here. He has bought me so many pineapples! ...That was a lackluster reaction from you, I guess I should've prefaced it for my love of pineapples, in spite of when I overindulge and they make my tongue swell, they're freaking delicious. And he's bought me a hammock, a candle holder, various treats, he's even talking about getting me a muzzle, but says I'll have to share with the dog. Oh wait, that's not awesome at all. He bought me flowers once, only once probably because my reaction was to look at him with scrutiny and ask, What did you do?

13)He likes pets
He better like the pets, I've seen him and Mutt napping together. I think things are getting serious between them.

14)Drives a cool car/motorcycle
Well... one of the first vehicles of Boyfriend's I rode in was his work van. You're probably thinking, okay, so? Well his work van is the kind of van you're warned about as children, an unmarked white van with no windows along the sides. It didn't help that when he picked me up from the airport he said there were puppies and pineapples inside. For the record, there were neither puppies nor pineapples back there. And now he drives a big ol' redneck truck. Emphasis on big ol' redneck.

15)Likes to travel
The fact that he's hoping to retire so I can cover the cost of his tour of the world should speak for itself here. I neglected to specify on my list that I would like to travel with him. Faux pas me.

16)Doesn't wear pink
I have nothing against men in pink, but I do not find it attractive. Plus, I look good in pink, it's my cross to bear and I don't want any competition. I also wouldn't want Boyfriend finding more boyfriends on airplanes during his tour of the world because of wearing pink. But I think the spiciest colour Boyfriend wears is forest green, so we're okay in this department. Oh, my bad, that's Packer green, Packer green. I repeated it for emphasis.

All in all, I think Boyfriend scores pretty good on the list. I mean, it's definitely a pass. I'm not really sure how to mark it, so we'll call it a B+. That's respectable, right? I'll bump it up to an A if I come home to margaritas tonight. Okay, you have until tomorrow Boyfriend.

Time for tea,

K