Time to go track down your bookies, folks, who had the second week of August? It finally happened: Boyfriend left me. For a man, well, two men. I came home from work and his golf clubs were gone. He and his fellas made a break for the border while I was making a living. Asses. The nerve of them to go on vacation without me. Super not cool. Don't fret, dear readers. There will be a massive beat down by the She Hulk on his eventual return. Hope he doesn't read this post before he chances coming back, the pulverization of Boyfriend is going to be a surprise welcome home gift.
It's been freaking hot and I'm feeling like a pig at a luau in this apartment. Therefore, Mutt, Fat and I have come up with a brilliant idea to escape the heat. We've put a swimming pool in our pod of an apartment. By swimming pool I mean filled the bathtub with cold water that we sit in whilst wearing swim caps. Mutt has his life jacket on too, it's fluorescent green. It's fine to write the blog here though, lane swimming doesn't start for another half hour so I have time to jot down something for you.
In a very uncharacteristic move, I'm going to dedicate this post to the things about Boyfriend I've been missing this week. Here, for you foolish people that waste your precious time reading my blog, is my list of things that have left a vacancy in my heart for the last few days:
1) The pillow fights
...Not the sexy co-ed variety. Ours is more of a constant battle to claim the one pillow in our apartment that is actually good. I have found that I don't sleep as well if I haven't tuckered myself out with the eventual claim of malicious victory. It brings me great satisfaction to whip that pillow out from under him while he's sleeping. Haven't had a decent night's sleep in almost a week.
2) The compliments
By this I mean both giving and getting compliments. A Sunday morning just isn't the same with the ego boosts. For example:
You look so cute when you're reading the paper.
Why's that? He says, peering over the top of the newspaper.
Your mouth is generally shut.
I think the same thing when I see you reading a book. This is where we smile lovingly at each other and when our eye contact breaks I call him an ass and he calls me a bitch. We're really quite precious.
3) Dinner at 9:00pm
Boyfriend treats me right and cooks a veritable five-star feast for us every night. However, feasts take forever to prepare and Boyfriend has no concept of time. No wonder I have weird dreams every night. Speaking of food, I do have to give Boyfriend appreciation for always making sure that I'm fed. He made sure I had dinners ready for his time away. If all I have to do to make Chicken with mango salsa is throw it in the microwave I am all over it. Good job, Boyfriend, for taking preventative steps to avoid coming home to an emaciated woman.
4) Wine in the evening
I miss those nights where I'm being She Hulky and Boyfriend smiles at me with adoration, excuses himself to go to the kitchen, and returns with a glass of wine that he sets on the table in front of me with a love post-it attached. The notes usually say something sweet like, "Keep it up and I'm throwing you over the balcony". I'm joking, clearly. I assume if it were to come to it, he'd push me over the balcony. You can't throw something you can't lift, and if he keeps feeding me the way that he does, that will never happen. I'll sumo-push him over the balcony first with my huge gut. Sumo She Hulk style, how hot would that be?
5) How he pays attention to the little things
It's no secret that I'm a loser, especially since I did a whole post about it. The number of times I have lost my keys and cell phone this week is just ridiculous. Also, if anybody sees my Frisbee please let me know. It' s regulation size.
6) Somebody to share the triumphs and misfortunes
This week's triumph: I successfully microwaved chicken. I made a freaking dinner for myself! I don't know what all the fuss is about. I whipped up a gourmet meal in less than two minutes. It must just be a natural talent.
This week's misfortune: Our downstairs neighbour who I suspect is a lesbian with a prescription for medicinal marijuana is moving out. She was the best downstairs neighbour ever, and super relaxed about us making noise upstairs, which also fuels my theory. We need a new stoned lesbian to move in. Please fill out an application immediately for a rinky-dink apartment that will boil you alive in the summer. Straight folks need not apply. Too many breeders in this building as is. Not that being a breeder is a bad thing, but for some reason kids think I'm cool and then they cry when I say no and cuss them out. I can't break any more hearts.
7) Mutt and Boyfriend's relationship
Boyfriend's disappearance doesn't just affect me, but Mutt too. He's been a mopey dingus ever since Boyfriend ran away with the circus. Sorry. I mean his boyfriends. Perhaps, though, Mutt is just depressed because I don't put gravy in his food. Out of spite as well as out of caring. The vet says he's getting fat, and no more gravy. I care, so no gravy. Boyfriend says that Mutt's got enough problems that gravy is one of the only good things in his life and he needs it. He even goes so far as to tell me that he's left demi-glaze in the fridge specifically to put on Mutt's food. I don't like people telling me what to do, so I don't do it because I'm spiteful. Also, what's the difference between gravy and demi-glaze? Looks like the same stuff to me.
8) Him doing the dishes
Well, yeah. I hate dishes. He's going to have to come home soon because the filthy plates and cups are piling up. That'll keep him busy for awhile. That, or he'll nag me to do it. Simple solution: Threaten with the She Hulk and dishes will be done in no time.
9) Sharing things
I always wondered why I went through face wash so fast. It turns out Boyfriend was using it too. Only, he was using it wrong. In his head, a bottle in the bathroom that has a dispensing pump means whatever is in said bottle is hand wash. You're buying me a new one, Boyfriend. Learn to read labels.
Most of all, I miss Boyfriend because without him my superiority complex suffers. Oh, and I have feelings and I miss him because of that too...
Ew. Fat starting drinking the water in our swimming pool. Everybody out.
Time for tea,
K
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