Verbal Abuse

A few months ago I got into a conversation with a dufus. It wasn't Boyfriend...not that time anyhow, but this fellow's loudmouthed dufus exterior did lead me to draw a couple parallels to Boyfriend. Anyhow, New Dufus and I get into a conversation about Boyfriend. After a few minutes, New Dufus knits his eyebrows together as if trying very hard to comprehend something far beyond the grasp of his understanding. What is it, New Dufus? In an earnest, serious tone he asks, "How has he put up with you for so long?" Couple things, New Dufus: 1) Mind your business, and 2) I think you mean to ask how I put up with him sometimes. I assure you, our relationship would be entirely harmonious if I had the incredible fortune to be deaf. The man verbally assaults me with his language on a daily basis.

The following is a list for Boyfriend of the words/phrases/incorrect pronunciations of his that rattle the monkey cage inside my head. It's only a matter of time before that cage busts open and those freaky apes run rampant. I can't be held responsible. Don't let those primates get out, Boyfriend. I'm writing this because I care, and you need to realize that your good looks won't last forever. That's why I'm giving you a crash course in charm school.

Vernacular faux pas #1
Festis is not a word, no matter how much you insist that it is. Stop calling me that. I agree, it does sound like some sort of infected vermin, but the fact is, it's not real.

Vernacular faux pas #2
It is pronounced chi-pote-lay. Not chi-pole-tay. You can't use chipotle if you can't say it properly.

Vernacular faux pas #3
When you say, help yourself to some [insert some kind of food here: pasta, chili, curry, etc.], there's all kinds, you actually mean you have a shit tonne of one kind. Just because there is lots does not mean that you've concocted several breeds of whatever the hell is cookin' away in that pot. This particular faux pas warrants an asterisk because it makes the pulsing blood in my temple knock my skull around.

Vernacular faux pas #4
The phrase, Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, simply must stop. It's contagious and I've even slipped up and used it on occasion. I've filed the paperwork to make this faux pas a violation that comes with a hefty fine. The only time it will be allowed without punishment is an instance where you see Jesus bouncing down the street on a pogo stick. This is your first and final written warning.

Vernacular faux pas #5
Yous. It looks as moronic as it sounds. Yous is not a word. The plural form of you is you. It's like the word fish. You are like fish. I are like fish too...for to eat. It is more than acceptable to say, how are you? Say it, How are yous? and you sound like you have a speech impediment.

Vernacular faux pas #6
I know that the thing for kids to do is make words shorter, because...long words are hard? Don't want to overextend ourselves with supplementary syllables now, do we? I must ask, nay, beg of you to stop calling the barbeque a Q. That is a letter, and not even my favourite one, though I am biased to the letter K. My signoff name by the way is not the same thing. Get over yourselves.

Vernacular faux pas #7
During a serious conversation, you saying, Seriously though... is nonsense.

...Well. Boyfriend just caught me off guard with an impromtu compliment and now I can't finish bitching about his east-coast nonsensical language. Couldn't have saved the charisma for after my ranting list, Boyfriend? How am I supposed to get anything done when you interrupt and throw me right off course? Brutal. The train has left the station.

Well, in any case, time for tea,

K

Post script: It's huge, not hudge. That's a spelling issue that drives me nuts, you say it just fine though, Boyfriend.